Seven Rules of Thumb of Friendship
Rule # 1: Acknowledge Freedom of Association
You need to accept the fact that any two persons are free to make friends with each other as they choose to. They can
do t his independent of the third person and irrespective of his/her relationship with either of the parties. Often times
some people feel really bad when their friends establish friendship of some kind with some other people that they
themselves are not friendly with. As a result they start feeling resentful at these friends of theirs. This is rather an
overbearing attitude and is socially unacceptable. Such association is okay as long as is not built on the foundation of
conspiracy. If you are in such a situation now, then get rid of any offence(s) you must have taken. All you need do if
you are no more comfortable in your relationship with such a person is to review and possibly adjust your friendship
with him/her. However, if their relationship is ungodly and of bad motive, just be patience and be pure in your hearts
toward your friend. It's just a matter of time, the fate of Sisera awaits such person(s) (Judges 4:17-23).
Rule # 2: Friendship is by Choice; It is Not by Force.
Know that friendship is by choice and is made consciously and voluntarily. It is not by force or coercion. However, in
choosing your friends, you must make sure that your core values play an important role in the choice of friends that
you make. “Do not be so deceived and misled! Evil companionships (communion, associations) corrupt and deprave
good manners and morals and character” (1Cor.15:33 AMP).
Rule # 3: Confirm the Friendship; Do Not assume.
Friendship is not assumed; it is ascertained. Any good gesture or disposition from a neighbor or a colleague toward
you is not necessarily an evidence of an established friendship. Such gesture should not be taken as being enough to
attract trust and loyalty from and to you. E.g. David and Ahithophel (2Sam.15:31).
Rule # 4: Agree mutually; Do Not Assume.
There should be a mutual agreement on the type of friendship the parties want to establish, e.g. David and Jonathan
(1Sam.18:1, 3). Each party should operate within the confine of what such friendship entails without an unnecessary
overlap to other types of friendship. The challenges people face at times is that they get carried away and cross the
boundary. And if the other party still maintains the status quos, then, an issue of disappointment arises. Often times,
this is interpreted as betrayal.
Rule # 5: Define The Boundaries.
The terms and limits of the friendship must be clearly defined. That is, individual responsibilities in the relationship
must be spelt out clearly, and the parties involved must know their boundaries in the relationship (i.e. mind your
business). E.g. King Abimelech and Abraham/Isaac (Gen.21 & 26). There is no “Sans Frontiers” in friendship. That
is, there is nothing like “friendship without boundaries.”
Rule # 6: Avoid Illusion; Be Sure of the Mind.
The parties should not be under the illusion of “oneness”, neither should their actions be based on assumption (i.e. not
expecting too much). “It happened after this that the king of the people of Ammon died, and Hanun his son reigned in
his place. Then David said, “I will show kindness to Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father showed kindness to me.”
So David sent by the hand of his servants to comfort him concerning his father. And David's servants came into the
land of the people of Ammon. And the princes of the people of Ammon said to Hanun their lord, “Do you think that
David really honors your father because he has sent comforters to you? Has David not rather sent his servants to you
to search the city, to spy it out, and to overthrow it? So Hanun seized David's men, shaved off half of each man's beard,
cut off their garments in the middle at the buttocks, and sent them away” (2Sam.10:1-4). David had a good intention
and actually meant good, but the people of Ammon assumed wrongly about David's intention. Their actions
thereafter were ungodly. Remember that Joshua even ascertained the motive of the Angel of God that came to the
Israelites in the Promised Land – “are you for us or for our adversaries”? (Josh.5:13).
Rule # 7: No Violation of Oath; No Betrayal.
Swearing of an “Oath of Allegiance of Loyalty” is the only true evidence of an established soul friendship/covenant
friendship (e.g. David and Jonathan). This is because the parties share confidences and secrets with each other. It is
also the only situation where an issue of real betrayal can arise.
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